Saturday, January 08, 2011

Last post was 2008. New post 2011! That's really extremely big gap!

New yr, new things happening, new promises. Speaking of which, i shouldnt have trust him. Screw him for all i care. I'm taking initiative here and you spend most of your time sleeping/playing games n not appreciating. I'm out of your life. Sad yes, regret yes, but for now i'm kinda glad. Dont have to think bout him or reminding him stuff or think bout marriage. Enough of that for 4 yrs. I wanna take care of myself, think bout me only and just be myself, not someone that he groom me to be. He hates everything bout me! Keep on criticizing my face, my style, my body...everything! Never compliment. I need to wear thick make up and dress up whenever i meet him. While he can choose to wear or dress up whatever he like and i couldnt comment anything cos he's in control of everything. Would you like it if your fiance never compliment you and keep on asking you to change to be prettier even though i really put in effort which i personally think its good. That's how i want it to be, i want to dress up in such a way i think i'm pretty and most importantly presentable. I just dont like to be scolded or to be told by others. I'm happy the way i am. I feel really pressured around him. I always need to excel and achieve so much in life to make him proud of me. Example recently when i was jobless, i feel tremendous amount of pressure that i couldnt make him proud of me. I feel really insecure. For the past 2-3 months i've been looking forward to meet him, to make him happy, to be by his side and spent good times together. Sadly i only gain 50% of the happiness! Imagine me coming back from KL and meet him in the cab and the first thing he said to me "Go and do something to your face, its really bad, have you look yourself in the mirror??" For godsake the cab driver is hearing all this and his tone is bad and volume was pretty loud, close to shouting...he actually raised his voice when telling me that in the cab! That's embarrassing...!! But since he doesn't want to be quarrel in the public cos it would embarrass him...i just replied back with a smile and try to change topic by showing him the stuff i bought for him.

Pouring out my feelings feels good...yet it hurts to reminisce all this. But it does makes me realise and confident why i should leave him and NOT be with him. Yeah i do love him..i wanna call him now infact but i have to control myself. Maybe the reason i stick to him is because i'm scared no guy wants me...and also i don't want to embarrass the family. Really sick of all this argument, unappreciation and crying. Wanna be happy....weee....!

So for today and for few days time. I shall just ignore him totally, heck bout his birthday on Thursday. Just find a job quickly, join aware and attend the meeting on Wednesday, and maybe go library to relax my mind. I'm one heck of a bookworm.

No birthday celebration = no need to squeeze by brain juice just to think what kinda surprise to give him+no need to look up for recipes+no need to spend money on preparation+no need to source out for baking products. It will just be another plain old Thursday/Wednesday/Friday.

I just need someone who loves me for who i am and appreciate me for the effort i put in this relationship. Not someone for loves to criticize me and frequently ask me to change myself. =((

yours truly,me
8:32 PM

the writer

Amel..
21 yrs old

Extrovert. Really sociable. Shy at times. Knows her limit.
A Malay, but not a Malay.
Full of surprises. Unpredictable at times. Fickle-minded, definitely.

Rock, Indie, Shoegazer, Experimental Music